Why he was stronger

Written by Erin Santos, Isabella’s Mommy & President of The Isabella Santos Foundation

Day 6
Why he was stronger…

I am a good mom. I’m not a great mom. I got frustrated easy and my patience was thin. She would hate me for telling her that she couldn’t go to school and instead had go spend the day at the clinic and get a needle shoved into her chest. I have to tell her that she has to sit for 8 hours and be attached to a line and listen to other kids scream for hours while she gets chemo and tries to watch her American Girl Movie. By the time the transfusion started, we were barely on speaking terms. I got a lot of silent treatment over the years. I had to hold her down to get accessed so I was the bad guy. “I want Daddy”, she would say… as if things would have been different if he were here. She was also pissed at me because I made her wear matching socks that morning. I’m the worst mom ever.

Right about the time when I couldn’t take it any longer, he would show up. Daddy was here and everything was better. Her eyes would light up and a new child would appear. “Daddy!” she would say. “Hi baby! How are things going up here? What movie are we watching? Oh, wait this is my favorite. Can I watch it with you?” It was perfect timing because she and I were officially over each other by this point.  I was done catering to her, I was done carrying her, and I was done making bead necklaces. I needed to get out of there. He was fresh and new and would cater to anything she needed, and she knew that.

He could come in and cuddle her and make everything all right. All those times I had to hear her say, “ I want Daddy… “ was a knife in my heart. If Daddy were here, he would be the one holding you down while they pushed the needle into your chest looking for blood return to start chemo. For some reason, everything would have been better if it were done with him. But Daddy was working and keeping our insurance afloat, so she was stuck with me instead.

Many times it was hard for me to watch, this unconditional love between two people. Stuart can be a hard nut to crack but she cracked him and she was tangled up in his heart. They talk of this love between father and daughter in Hallmark cards and I personally never experienced it in my life. But often times I found myself jealous of the love and admiration they had for each other.

He got to be the one that said yes. Or who cares if she wants to wear different colored socks to school. When I was over the drama of her emotional episodes, he was able to step in and calm her. I was tired of carrying her back and forth to appointments. She was heavy and I knew she could walk. He would pick her up and cradle her against his body. I had lost my sympathy for the situation because I always had to deal with the backlash of her emotions when she felt like she was losing control. He could calmly step in and make decision based on facts and always had her best interested at heart.

It was hard for me at times to be the heavy and know that I was the one that was receiving the hatred from her when the doctors said her counts weren’t high enough to be released from the hospital. But I knew everything would be okay because he would come up and relieve me from the situation right before I started to crack. He would lay with her in that bed that I craved to be released from. He gave her the love and comfort that she needed when I ran out of it. He allowed me to recharge and come back the next day ready to face the situation.

I don’t know how I would of gotten through without him. He was constantly fighting for her, loving her, loving me, loving us. Being the love and support that she needed when I was on empty.

Even in the end, he did all the things I couldn’t do. He chose where to take her to be cremated because I could not know where that building was located in Charlotte. He picked out the beautiful gold box she was placed in, he paid for her final resting place, he spoke with the pastor, he bathed her after she died and carried her out of our house. There are things I was not strong enough to do, but he was. He didn’t think twice about doing them because for him, it was just more ways he showed his love for her.

He hasn’t been the same since she has left us. I don’t think he has ever experienced true love like that in his life. She loved him unconditionally and he has never loved someone as much as he loved her, including me. What they had was unique and every daughter should be so lucky to have a father love her the way that he did. He would of done anything to save her and she was the love of his life.

-Isabella’s mommy

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